still hurting but hopeful
As I fidget on my painful right arm, I’ve been thinking about what my sister told me the other day, she had a revelation while babysitting our 3 lively and highly energetic nephews, she said, “I’ll be a great mom if only I wanted to have one”, for now, I think she’ll be a cool/chill aunt. As for me, I’ll be blunt, kids never liked me, even now, closing on to 30, I still feel incapable to build a family, I couldn't even take care of myself, I get overwhelmed easily, I still have panic attacks whenever there’s a spontaneous task, I always want to dive in fully prepared or just taking it in bit by bit. My sister got over the fact that we’re scared to end up like our mom if ever we'll decide to have kids in the future. Our mom is..let’s just say she’s difficult, the ultimate definition is hot and cold, she’s more of a big sister who acts responsibly because she’s older but the maturity and understanding that a mom naturally has, she doesn’t have ‘that’. I know, maybe, she had a reason back then, leaving us, but calling her ‘mama’ still leaves a bitter taste whenever we are talking about her. I’m not done worrying that I’ve inherited her temper to certain things, she doesn’t have enough patience with us and I’m afraid I don’t either. My boyfriend and I.. we want to build a family and having kid/s is an option as well. I want to have a kid, I really do, I believe he will be an amazing father, even though kids don’t usually warm up to him that often ( according to him haha) but he is so sweet and warm and fuzzy, he’ll do great! I just..I have this little fire of hope inside me, that little dream and vision entering my mindset, I want to see how our kid will look like, what certain traits will that kid pick up on us, we want to share so much creativity and love with that kid, we want that kid to experience what a normal family set up is, that we got that kid’s back, no matter what. I’m just rambling now. I really really, want to have a life away from what I experienced as a child. It’s not all bad and kudos to my father and grandparents for taking care of us, I really do, but it’s just not enough for me now, we’ve all been busy with our own choices in life. I still love them but not enough to put on hold what I’ve been dreaming for so long. I want a home full of inner peace, normalcy, assurance, love, and support. I’m looking forward to it, I know it seems impossible now, and we're not living together yet, for now, I’m just so happy I have someone to share these plans with me.
